By Blaize Burton

Better myself through wisdom because wisdom is power. At least

that’s what they taught me as a juvenile. Be fake

for some later. Get a degree and suit, and even pale faces

will seem a little friendly now.

For me the job market’s dead–somebody better got the gig.

The people that crave my support are getting hunger pains.

This woman that I love would rather starve than miss the club.

Now I know she only got with me for the finer things.

My survival is a crime; I lost myself about a dime.

Now it’s murky, even to myself, who the real victim is.

So I get down on my knees.  Is some juice worth this squeeze?

When they’ll shoot me in the back over unimportant shit.

I just had so much control with the pistol barrel cold,

until my heat met the streets and all my shit unraveled.

As the seasons change, I lose my soul, only praying for parole.

Questioning the meaning of life when my messiah swings a gavel.

Freedoms a funny feeling because I barely know my children.

I can’t stand to see myself in the light of day.

So I catch another case and come right back to this place.

Still with no clue why I’m the one that always has to pay.

By Jen L. Schneiders

I stand here staring at a row of slot machines.  My heart starts racing, my palms are sweaty, and a feeling of excitement comes over me.  Which machine should I choose?  Which one is going to be good to me?  I sit down at a favorite I’ve played before and put some money in.  I press the buttons automatically to place a maximum bet and spin the reels.  I do not win a dime but the feeling of excitement stays with me and I know it is only a matter of time before this machine will pay a good amount out.  I am not consciously aware of the loss or gain of money, so caught up am I in the thrill of waiting for a good spin.  Neither am I aware of how much time has passed.  I am not even alert to my surroundings my focus is solely on the machine directly in front of me.

Finally it happens.  The reels spin and I get into a bonus round.  I get 50 free spins and feel elated.  My adrenaline is pumping in anticipation of the big win I will receive.  The reels keep spinning automatically, decreasing my number of spins left and increasing my monetary credits.  On my 50^th spin, the machine starts flashing the words “JACKPOT!!!”, and my heart rate increases as others passing by stop to congratulate me on my big win. I feel like others envy my luck with gambling and I brag about my jackpot win.  I feel proud of my accomplishment, like I had something to do with the machine paying out at the time I was playing it.  I feel rich and ecstatic.

I am so confident that this machine is lucky that I take my jackpot money and continue to play.  Hours pass, my winnings dwindle, and my fanfare wanders away.  I do not notice or even feel tired; there is only a sense of desperation to get another bonus so I can experience the rush again.  As I look in my purse desperately for more money, I notice the time.  I have been at the casino for 10 hours and have nothing to show.  I feel sick to my stomach and with a feeling of anxiety and hate for myself I walk away from the machine.  Even in my depression over my loss, I can’t help but think if I only had another dollar, I knew I could turn this around and feel euphoric again.  Subconsciously, I know this obsession has too much power over me but I push that aside and tell myself if I come back tomorrow, I will have better luck.  I am in an endless cycle of loss, but my addiction has taken control and I have no willpower to stop it, nor any desire to acknowledge it as such.

I get home and go to bed next to my fiancé, hating myself for my lies and deceit, yet unable to push the temptation to go back away.  I don’t yet realize how much damage my addiction will eventually cause, not only to myself but to everyone that has ever cared about me.

11/29/2012

It’s Friday! When I woke up this morning I knew it was going to be a good day. I had a good bit of rest, even though I do not have a box spring and mattress. But I try to make the best out of what I have. When my mental alarm clock woke me up, I felt wonderful and well rested. I totally forgot about attending creative writing class. I had so many other things on my mind.

Until, Johnny asked me was I going to class today? I told him I was not. Only due to the fact that he told me it wasn’t like last classes with the last teacher. I denied to the fullest that I was going to the class. The C.O. on the pod tries to make people better there selves. I know this because I been on the pod with her for 17 months now. I told her I wasn’t going due to the fact that I thought it was going to be like elementary or middle school English class which I hated. Hated is a strong word so I should say dislike. I thought it was going to be about reading and comprehending. I’ve been into school I’ve even went to secondary school for Information Technology. So I wasn’t trying to get a blast from the past. I came to my senses and decided to give it a chance anyway.

I rode the elevator to the first floor. Then it happened again, I had a feeling that everything was going to be okay. The elevator door opened. The aroma of the female C.O.’s lotion hit me. She was rubbing it into her hands. It smelled wonderful. I walked down the hall to the last door to the right. I waited until the control room unlocked it for me to enter. As soon as I entered there was an older lady asking if we was here for writing class. Johnny agreed. We walked to the last class to the right. I just knew it was going to be set up like a regular class room.

To my surprise, there were small desk in a circle sort of like a group. It was a different atmosphere. There were faces I have never seen and a classroom I have never been in. There were computers on the outer perimeter of the circle, our desks was in. Thoughts came to my mind due to the fact that I’m a computer geek. I haven’t touched a computer in over a year. I went to have a seat in a vacant desk. When the teacher noticed a new face, which was me. She greeted me with a bright smile and great energy. Just looking at them look at me made me feel as if I was someone famous. She was a real people person. Explaining in great detail about what this class was all about. She also gave me a few contracts to sign about a few different things. I’ve sat down and read the contracts and listened to what was going on around me. From the looks of things I knew this would be a very interesting class. This was going to be a learning experience.

People started to read there writings from the following week and some from the present assignment. I’m guessing we open up class daily with a 8 minute writing assignment. Once I read over everything and started the present assignment. Even though I started late, it’s better late than never. It helped me get my writing fluids flowing. I only had the chance to write a few lines on the topic, so I didn’t feel as if I should share mind writing with the group. Granted that I’m a very shy individual, I like to have personal writings. So this is really going to be a learning experience. I’m glad I decided to join this class and come to it today. I was going to drop out, but I would have been missing out on a lot of different views. I could tell that I’m going to have to get use to sharing work I’ve written. I know for me to excel in this class I’m going to have to be able to share my thoughts and ideas. I keep a lot of things bottle inside when I shouldn’t and this class seems like its going to be great to release some things that I usually have bottled in.

-Lamont Goodwine, Jr.